Scandalous!

After several months of to-ing and fro-ing, the evil corporation known only as..uhhh..J.W.Spear Board Games…has finally pulled Scrabulous from the small, independantly owned family website Facebook. I say it’s no coincidence that the scrabble.com website shows a strategic map of the world, clearly as part of waddingtons/mattel’s plans to take awayour freedom and force us all into the ghetto (clearly labelled as “old kent road” on the monopoly board…unless you live in America…or in the Star Wars universe..). I wouldn’t normally care, but I’m the kind of loser who has managed to have a back and forth series of games running for well over a year with the same person, and it seems damned inconsiderate seeing as I was 130 points ahead on the last game! I digress. I guess the point is, what kind of world are we living in where you can’t steal someone’s idea outright, not even bother to change the name that much, and then expect to make millions of dollars without them making a fuss-are these the kind of values we want to instill in our children? I can’t help but think of the poor, starving owners of wineverygame.com myself. It’s a sad day my friends. (Not really).

And a doggy bag for Zoltan please….

Now, I have taken a short hiatus from bloggery of late, because I’ve been trapped in central London overseeing ‘Big Brother 9′ content, and having a high old time of it. From my office window, I am commanded a fine view of the concrete monstrosity known to cockerneys as Centre Point, and with London generally starting to smell of new paint in the run up to Britain hosting the 2012 Olympics, it seems this huge carbuncle is finally to recieve a top floor restaurant, as was promised..oooo…40 years ago (you can’t stop the urban progress round here!). Anyway, this has upset me slightly due to a drunken night several years ago when I watched both the ‘Satanic rights of Dracula’ with the top-notch Christopher Lee, and the slightly-less than-top-notch Dan Curtis version of Dracula, starring Jack Palance (the only man I know ever to have battled both Bernard Bresslaw and Erin Grey, people who’s only other link is warping my sense of erotica at an early age-Erin with the jumpsuits, Bernard by being in the background when Babs Windsor’s tits pop out in ‘Carry On Camping). Anyway, the two have become entwined in my booze ridden brain, to the point where I am now convinced that the reason the top floor lights of centre point are never on, is because Jack Palance stalks the top floor, descending only to drink the blood of first time virgins queing for ‘G.A.Y’ on a saturday night. now it seems he will merely stay put, dining on Gordon Ramsay dishes and entertaining the tourists. Oh how the mighty have fallen!

Weird and Gilly, and the Primark from Mars.

This week I moved into a new place, and am the happy guest of two nice Swedish ladies. They have informed me that June 21st is ‘Mitsommer’, so I shall be spending my weekend in Hyde park, eating diabolical herring snacks and drinking very good vodka. This new holiday made me think about the way that different countries celebrate, and make a vow to celebrate the very best of them, regardless of national origin. A case in point occured last month, when we saw the dead rise from the grave and swill margheritas like troopers as the mexstravaganza we call Cinco de Mayo erupted on the other side of the Atlantic. Now while I’m all for dressing like skelington and drinking tequila, I still don’t really understand why you need a special day to do so.  Here in England we have our own quaint mayday customs, like making virgins strip and dance round large symbolic poles, and rolling wheels of burning cheese down hills, generally resulting in broken limbs (And tasty cheese sandwiches). This is probably the chief reason I prefer UK Living (Not the dodgy home shopping TV platform) to US Living (That, plus less chance of getting shot/monster-truckerised while grocery shopping). Another reason is the music. There will probably be a huge backlash when I say this, but frankly, if you think American bands are better, you have obviously forgotten about Iron Maiden.  This hasn’t stopped US stylish types from stealing our awesome rock looks for ages however, and the latest attempt comes from hypermegamart Target. Now first up, before a load of US-types start going ‘well, actually Target isn’t a cool store..’ I’ll have you know that the underground zinescene over there is full of crap about how hip Top Shop is, so that door swings both ways, but I digress. Anyway, Target are doing Bowie inspired clothing these days for some reason (Chiefly, they are designed by a failed UK muso who has blagged the job), although it’s obviously a parrallel universe Bowie who shops at Primark. Where is the Ziggy look? More importantly, how about a range of clothes based on Bowie’s time in Paris with Iggy Pop? Vomit stained leather will be all the rage next summer!

AutoMatt

My love of the more..unusual..musical projects rumbling about out there is well documented (although those of you foolhardy enough to follow my advice usually end up listening to Boris/Gorgoroth split EP’s), but outside of Shoreditch it’s often pretty hard for me to keep up with stuff, maily because regional clubbers honestly believe that Hard House is up to date. Well, all that is in the past now, thanks to The Automachine! yep, now you too can sit in your office pretending to be Justice (actually, try using the ‘C’ beat on this thing, then go play that MGMT album…) which has to be more creative than RetroArcade right? anyway, this thing is ace, good work Zanorg!

link

Chi-whaaaaa????

Way back in the mist of time, I wrote a MySpace (Ah MySpace, even less cool than LJ since 2001) blog about viacom actually funding a film called Pet Divorce Court. At the time I assumed this was just because some lunatic chimps had taken over the Viacom building and re-written the scripts they found. Alas it seems it was in fact a portent of the coming apocalypse, which finally arrives with the release of:

Beverly Hills ChiHuaHua!

the reason this exists is because cinema audiences have become the kind of gutter dwelling fucktards that pay to see ‘meet the spartans’ and because last year studios actually believed that movies don’t need writers. Now I often get over excited when I’m abusing suits on here, but the problem is probably that they are good at business management, and not good at art. This is why they work in offices in the first place, rather than galleries and coffee shops in Oregon. Anyway, I actually have a Chihuahua (technically anyway-he lives with his mom) , and even I am ashamed to know that humans have created this. I’m sure it’ll be a big hit.

Man of Steel-Mesh

so.Iron Man-worth the wait?..actually-yes! Its fun, action packed and actually finds room for some character development. The movie seems a little closer to ‘our’ reality rather than Bat or Spider-Man’s, with most of the tech looking workable and having an analogue thats lurking on the fringes of science as we speak(ok ok, maybe not arc-light reactors), and Stark is a nice change from the somewhat flat characterisations we’ve seen in, for example Superman (Yeah yeah, I know thats kinda the point of Supes, but hey), Downey Jnr is actually the movie’s trump card, while I’m not saying that Tobey Maguire et al are bad actors by any stretch, Downey really brings a bit of dramatic heft to Stark which really anchors the movie. The alcoholism is neatly hinted at, as are future developments like War Machine and The Mandarin, although things get borderline cheesy when terror’s attack, in a bit of on screen wish fulfillment for the US gov’ment, and I felt a bit of a lurch in my stomach learning that S.H.E.I.L.D had become the Strategic Homeland Department, rather than Strategic Hazard, but otherwise the whole thing flys along, with wise cracking banter and skull cracking fights. Also-exploding tanks and Jeff Brifdges on a segueway! go see. (PS_if you are a dick who laughs out loud at the trailer for ’superhero movie’, sprays popcorn and kicks the seat rail-don’t go see, you are a dick)

more effective than clearasil

Those of you who took part in the recent London marathon may be aware of similar events that go on, including a decathlon that annually inspires the clinically insane sportsmen among you to swim the Thames. Those that don’t dissolve generally emerge covered in bilge oil and suffering from dyssentry-well no more! thanks to yanko design you can now brave the river (not to mention use a phone box in Hackney) without fear of some jenkem huffer throwing up over you. So, safe and stylish-although I would maybe leave the mask at home for the first date.

no more interweb? bollocks.

Time for (Gasp!) an almost sensible post!! Apprently top-notch-web-hippy Jonathan Zittrain has a new book out, all about single use devices and the way they are gonna destry creativity on the series of tubes by enabling increased censorship and corporate program control. As a crazy-ass advocator of haptics n shit, I can’t really see it happening-like, just cos you got an iphone you aint gonna stop using your mac are you? I mean, the porn is much better on a larger screen for starters right? anyhoo, if you’re interested in another round of internet doomsaying then you can get it here soon, (and note the irony of amazon offering a wireless ereader on there front page while doing so)and it’s actually pretty interesting, but probably a bit too pessimistic, and it’s always worth reading his books so you can laugh at his haircut anyway-enjoy!

one ‘ooooooohhhhhh’ one

Porn-it’s up there with extra cheese and mojitos on the list of top ace things we like here at Interceptor towers, and now there’s a chance for you too to become an expert in the art of porno acting-even if you’re a dude! Now, I always assumed the main qualifications for porn stars were pretty simple. If you’re a girl, you just need to have a ‘heartbreaker’ tattoo, and eyes colder and deader than an ewok. If you’re a guy, then you just need to be balding, stupid, and not mind shaving your balls (apparently guys who trim their pubes/chest hair are what girls dig these days, but I am going on the line here and saying that this is crap-ladeez love the hairy chest, they just don’t all know it yet-but for god sake don’t let your back get too overgrown dudes). Anyway, you can sign up here if you fancy a whole new career that lets you meet interesting people (Y’know..crack whores…) and sample unusual diseases. Hopefully there will be part time night classes available soon too, so you can spend your tuesday evenings learning ‘rimming 101′ or something. Anyway, here’s to being a failed porn star-beats being a failed boutique dotcommer I suppose.

Skeet Shootin’

The magical, golden paved city of London often serves up some unique distractions (As I’m sure the dude in the entirely transparent suit I saw down by Waterloo would agree), and some pretty stupid ones too. Anyway, if you enjoy being punched in the head (something that clearly helped when thinking up a name for this amazing new pastime)before attempting to solve complex strategic problems, then here is the sport for you! Coming soon- Hulk Hogan vs Stephen Hawking….